As I am writing now, the first 22 years in my life has already gone; even with the utmost optimism, the good fifth of my time is no more, while the other four fifths are not guaranteed to come. This does not matter though, since I had long decided from the day when I was first impressed by John Keats’s untimely death that a life of 100 years did not in itself promise me more than one with only 26 years ever could; and I always tell myself that what elevated Keats’s life was his diligence, his vision, and maybe, his (in a sense) wise choice to be a poet; and now I can be quite confident, because I am diligent, I have a vision, and I have made my choice; I have defined myself for the rest of my life to be a knowledgeable economist and a loving husband.

I know that these two defining dreams are far from realized, but at this stage in life, having a dream is already a milestone. It is tempting to think that I have reached this stage alone, because I made most of the important decisions along the way myself (and just consider the fact that so many people don’t even make decisions), but the support I have got from the understanding and considerate people around me is immeasurable. For one thing, I was permitted to make my own choices—for I have a rather democratic family which is characterized by thoughtfulness and not despotism.

The family did have a clear theme for me (and even now this is quite true), that I must be a good student; but my parents never told me how exactly a “good” student looked, not to mention how to be a good one. Of course, I had to keep a high grade record, and I should (in most cases) listen to and obey the teachers, and I must show respect to basic moral standards—beyond these there were no limitations any more. But I had always been such, therefore I had so little to worry about; and before I went to primary school my only concern was to play as much as possible before the fearful school would definitely rob me of my precious freedom. I went out with kids a few years older than me and ran about the nearby roads and hills, climbing atop walls and jumping off them, digging cicadas with sticks and hitting toads with bricks, being naughty beyond my parents’ imagination. As I recall now, these first few years in my life were especially precious, in that they underlay the active side of my personality. However, all those became memory when I moved inside the city for quality education, and I began to love my own little room better than any other places in the world, known and unknown alike.

Although I stayed at home most of my spare time, I wasn’t forced to take any “hobby” courses as many of my cousins and schoolmates were. I loved building model tanks at that time, which I no longer do today; I drew pictures of all kinds of things, but I cannot do better than I did 15 years ago; I liked singing and was praised for it, and today I am still no more than an amateur. For all these real hobbies which didn’t promise much as a career, my parents had placed no limits on any of them, and indeed they had shown much enthusiasm and support. I’m not sure whether they understand the underlying education principles, or they had simply read and agreed with some of the modern child-rearing books, but apparently they had done wisely during my childhood; and I have to admit that my boyhood days were far enjoyable and memorable than most other boys’, which often are filled with protruding peaks of beating and scolding, and misty valleys of praising and loving.

Growing out of a carefree childhood and into my adolescent years, I was faced with a series of crucial choices. I was good at math in primary school, and Father had wished that I could continue building on this good trend, but I went to Nanjing Foreign Language School which, though good at almost every aspect, excels mainly in teaching languages. And soon after entrance I began to prefer language and literature to any other disciplines, especially the sciences. Time flew and six years passed like a minute—a rich minute which included poetry, languages, drama, philosophy, economics, but not math—and with this background I was going to university. Father suggested medicine, which he saw as a profitable profession both for the self and for the society; but I chose Beijing Foreign Studies University, where I could go without taking the Entrance Exams. Obviously appealing to some extent, this choice was not rebutted at all, only supplemented by Father that I should make a further choice to go to the English School. But I was determined to go to the School of International Business, because English was merely my hobby, and only economics was going to be my career. And now, I have given up the chances to further my working experiences in the Student Union, and devoted most of my time to pursue an ideal graduate study opportunity abroad. This time Father gave neither hints nor preferences, instead in my phone call home he offered many unbiased opinions and perspectives, and said (also on behalf of Mother) that “we are always here to give you advice, but the choices—they are yours to make.”

In retrospect I couldn’t help thinking that Father has never actually understood my thoughts ever since I plant my interest in the soil of Western economics; I argued with him each time I got back home, and we never reached a fruitful agreement. However, there’s one thing I know that Father certainly understands, that is, his son is growing into a man, who deserves to be treated as a man, who should be allowed full discretion over his own affairs, and who will eventually outsmart him—and he welcomes all these changes. Therefore, with kindness he has permitted me to make all the important decisions in my life, witnessed my successes as well as failures, and spoken his mind but kept his hands off me at the same time. And indeed, I am sometimes regretful for my choices not to learn math, not to go somewhere other than BFSU, and not to live an easy life with English as my major; but I know these are the lessons I’ve learned, or rather, allowed to have learned.

However, this is never the same with Mother, who in my impression has always regarded me as a child. I think I understand the reason why, because no matter how old I shall become, I am always her child; but it takes me 22 years to get to know why she keeps reminding me of my clothing, of my cleaning up, of my breakfast, lunch, dinner and snacks, and virtually of everything imaginable. These endless cares used to fret me so much, that I had developed a habit of reminding back to Mother that she had already reminded me about the same thing numerous times—but Mother never bothers to keep quite. I gradually realized that this Mother’s obsession was perhaps rooted in a woman’s nature, and however troublesome it might seem, it was nevertheless the beauty of a mother that one day the son should certainly miss; yet this alone didn’t justify the entire matter, because I was her child, which on most occasion could be translated into more rights on my side—so if she really cared for me, she should stop her agitating reminders about things in my life.

But I think I learned last winter why she liked to emphasize the every little bit in life without feeling annoyed. The reason became clear to me after I cooked the lunch for Father and myself for a few consecutive days. I was a novice, and I unfortunately putted too little salt into too much food; and as I was trying to finish all the tasteless dishes on the table while already full, I was struck by the thought that my feeling then was just the same as Mother’s. I suddenly understood why she always asked me to eat all the dishes up even I was quite full, why she thought that a salty dish and a tasteless one could go well together even Father and I never seemed to agree, why she insisted on doing the washing up immediately after meal even I would offer to help but an hour later. And then I felt entirely enlightened. I began to see why clothes must be dried in the air as soon as it was washed, why floor must be mopped even with an aching back, and why shopping must be done despite the fact that she might miss her supper with family—she never would want Father and I to wait for her, she always said, “you two have dinner first; just leave some for me and it’ll be ok.” Now I can see in her a desire to perform for the family, a desire so strong that often leads her to overlook other important features in the greater harmony of the family—such as withholding the anger when the clothes are forgotten to get dried as ordered, or leaving the floor a bit dirtier but also leaving herself a bit easier, or having dinner with the family and just ignoring the shopping all together; and I know that she can never be reproached for this desire.

In this way I have paid my due respect to Mother’s family concept; to build a family of my own, however, demands much more than a concept, therefore the last part of this article is devoted to the other woman in my life—my girlfriend, without whom I won’t even have this beautiful mood to write this article. It might appear exaggerating that I use the word “woman” to refer to her, because she is young and free of many earthly defects of the adult world; yet her spirit is of a mature kind. I got to know her one and a half years ago. We were friends to begin with, and although she has left China almost a year ago, the awesome distance between us has brought us closer instead of alienating us as we had feared; I can feel that there is magic in our relationship, and I know that the magician’s name is “Understanding”; and I am determined to keep the magic going, because I truly appreciate its preciousness.

Before we met, I wasn’t confident and successful in personal relationships—and had actually been so for very long. As I had been living inside my own little world since my primary school, and using mainly the books as my agents to the outside, I had few friends, and knew little how to keep old friends as well as to make new ones. But although I was quite satisfied with the world my books could open up for me, I gradually found my life pestered with loneliness. So when she came into my life, I was surprised at how well we two could communicate, in the form of short messages, speech, walking and singing and all; I was surprised at my own departure from being a serious preacher on every minor matters; I was surprised at the care I took of the beauty of the big outside world as I felt like sharing some genuine experience with her. I feel that I have been transformed; I have been “pulled from the wreckage of my silent reverie”, so I’m now romantic and courageous; I know that distance is problematic and future is uncertain, but with two hearts open to each other, understanding can bridge the distance and shape the future.

I am on my way to my two interwoven dreams now: career and family, which shall be combined to build a bright tomorrow. On my way I see the beautiful understanding—between a father and a son, a mother and a son, and a young man and a young woman—a kind of beauty that has got me on the way, helped me overcome, and will accompany my every step forward. Although I am aware that I won’t possibly witness the ultimate beauty of complete understanding, I am nevertheless thankful that no one has set limits to my acquiring of this beauty, and I have not recoiled in the face of rocky mountains and white waters, because the other side is beautiful, and I am not alone in the pursuit.

　　昨天是校十大歌星赛决赛的日子。从开始准备到现在，一个月了吧；我和小新能两次登上那个舞台，还是满意外的。就我而言，最初只是想为自己的大学生活再增添一点色彩，不要过的太平淡；到后来居然也就渐渐想象起获奖的样子来。最后我们没有获奖。没有什么遗憾的。“十大”在我心中并没有太高的地位；从准备校级复赛算起，最近这两周是属于“十大”的——这两周已经过去了。现在的生活又像原来一样了，以看书为乐，很满足；要说有不一样的，那就是这一个月以来，和小新一起走过各种困难，体验新的经历，把我们最活力的一面都展示出来了。过去跟小新没有这么熟的；没想到中秋饭局上他不经意的一句“我觉得自己的声音很像品冠”能带来这么珍贵的合作和友谊。要说还有什么，那大概是听到那么多人的呼声，不免会觉得自己好像还并非魅力全无；只不过舞台上那个形象只是我的一小部分——它的存在证明我是完整的——但我的生活轨迹却不会因它而改变。

　　“十大”结束了，我发现自己甚至没有观众来得更high——因为这毕竟只是我生活中的小插曲，过去就过去了。在它到来之前，我是很认真投入的，小新应该会深有体会吧；本来以为我上台会很紧张，却发现自己和小新一样，也是个临场兴奋型，所以在台上真的很激动，这样的经历也很难忘。不过结束以后，还没到夜宵时候，我就已经平静了；看着大家兴高采烈的情态，我反而觉得不知所以。人时时刻刻都需要一点刺激吧，过去的快乐的记忆对我来说是不够的。我需要现在对我有意义；我希望明天会变得更有意义——这样才会让我每时每刻都感到快乐。

　　这样的要求，高吗？应该是因人而异的吧；至少我不能忍受缥缥缈缈的活在过去中——这个定义也许不准，但我感觉也许有人是可以这么过的——生活的方式，自是多种多样的才对。在生活中感到的苦恼，大概来自于生活与理想的错位吧：向往一种不属于自己的生活，却还不知道是什么原因。过去好像我就是这样的，忙忙碌碌的追逐着看不清楚的幸福。为什么一直在做自己不想做的事呢？忙着赶路，却没有时间看路；要想知道自己应该哪里走，还是应该先确定自己身在何处——其实只要做自己就可以了，人与人天生是不同的。

　　这样才对自己有最大的把握吧。

　　这样才会感到幸福吧。

Yesterday Roy and I talked, for more than one hour perhaps, face to face. It’s always a good time talking with him, because he is one who possesses deep wisdom, which never fails to permeate the whole conversation and make it a sparkling voyage of discoveries which are not easily made elsewhere. Although often the topic grow extremely big and hard to control, it never goes on without realistic meanings; for this reason sometimes I do wonder at the capacity of the mind. Such are the conversations between Roy and me.

Last night he came to me for the explanation of my ambiguous words left at his blog. This topic was soon discarded for its lack of substance; yet the conversation went on. Due to my poor memory I cannot reconstruct that dialog now, yet anyway I still remembered that many interesting points were made, and now after reflection I think I have a little more to add.

As always, there was religion in the conversation (I just don’t think it’s possible that Roy don’t talk about it; and I reiterate that I am not religious, and I do not see a possible conversion in the near future.) The basic disagreement lies in our attitude towards belief and rationality (which in my perception act as the cornerstones of our Weltanschauungen.) While both agree that neither belief nor rationality is dispensable, emphasis has been placed on them differently. (I will try not to use “he” or “I” in describing the underlying ideas of the conversation, because I see the topic as universally applicable.) One who is religious tends to place belief before rationality; and cases supporting the religious are abundant, making others difficult to argue: Why did Newton attribute the origin of the universe to God? Why was Yang Xiaokai converted to a Christian before he passed away? Even the outstanding scientists may be religious inside or outside of the lab; and the basics of many scientific disciplines are assumptions that can be regarded as beliefs. However it’s not really waterproof, because we can further divide beliefs into rational and irrational, with the rational always open to question and adjustment, while the irrational often allow not the slightest criticism from the believers. Take Pythagoras as an example, his belief of a numerically perfect world led him to many discoveries, including the famous Pythagoras Theorem. (Of course in China we have a different name for it.) Yet when he threw his follower into the sea (don’t remember his name) for discovering the irrational number which undermined the very structure of Pythagoras’ belief, this great mathematician’s belief had turned into a superstition. This case illustrates the point that we can believe with or without rationality, and the choice made here will lead to very differently outcome later. But I would offer no answer; because I don’t think we have looked deep enough into the issue yet.

Beyond these theoretical discussions there are also practical needs for God—that He is all-powerful, the single perfect being. As Roy put it, there was Light; and when surrounded by darkness, there’s grave need to seek that Light, and it answers to every of our questions. However, this remark is made upon the assumption and perception that the surrounding world is “in the darkness”, which in itself is not necessarily true to all who care to observe this world; and as the conversation went on a deep dread of loneliness emerged. Here I’d like to paraphrase the conversation in order that it has a broader sense. On the one hand is the desire to get personally connected; on the other the need to work alone. Yes, in a university people will have a lot of time for which they can choose to work together or alone; therefore this contradiction is open to many solutions, the first being preference of group work. The reason why people find this contradiction troublesome is, while emphasizing the importance of the latter part, the heart actually desires for the former; and rationality and belief (once again rationality and belief!) fight over this issue. Here my answer is simply follow the heart, and this solution doesn’t only deal with the problem above, but to all the problems in life. (I think this is really one golden rule.) The argumentation goes that if one’s heart desires for something there’s no way rationality can divert it.

Associated with loneliness is emptiness, a feeling of nothingness, of the thirst for stimulation and excitement. There is a traditional fear and hatred for the hunt of sensual joy, which of course, is among the most effective stimulators. One may well reason that the stimulation lasts only a very short period of time, leaving a sense of even deeper emptiness; but think of the process in the long-run and you’ll see that the person who seeks joy intentionally actually get transformed. You do not remain the same after a great many impressive activities; and there’s just no restriction on the direction of this transformation—one can choose to transform for the better.

Going thus far, it is possible now to bring about the essence of rationality and belief as I see it. Through analysis, practice and perception, as I have described above in order, (although there isn’t a clear line between these descriptions,) the question comes down to the point of the Larger Self—whether it’s called God, Love, Dream, Ideal, etc., does not matter; by knowing that there’s a larger self help people get out of many troubles, because when in trouble people become so narrow-minded and shortsighted. This is a belief, but you’ll know that it can be tailored to whatever form that suits your situation the best.

Have written so many words, I have become less confident that these messy ideas will be understood. Also I am afraid that I have left out too much significant details Roy had tried to convey to me, so there must be some misunderstandings, and much negligence. Hope that you can point them out to me.

p.s. 罗亦啊，大家都从你的言谈中收获不少啊
xyy和Roy对话摘要

I KNOW IT’S NOT YET THANKSGIVING IN THE U.S., BUT IN CANADA IT HAS ALREADY COME; AND ALTHOUGH IT IS NO CHINESE TRADITION, IT’S STILL A GOOD IDEA TO GIVE THANKS WITH A TRUE HEART; NEVERTHELESS, THE REASON WHY I WANT TO SAY THANKS TODAY IS MAINLY BECAUSE I HAVE ALL THOSE THANKS BREWED IN MY HEART, AND I WANT TO EXPRESS THEM WITH NO RESERVE.

THERE ARE TIMES WHEN I WOULD CONSIDER ROY’S WORDS (WHO’S ROY? CHECK MY LIST AND YOU’LL KNOW!) AND FEEL THE HOLY TRUTH IN THEM. YES, LOVE IS ONE GREAT POWER; AND BY MAKING MY THANKS I BRING THIS POWER TO A CONCRETE PHYSICAL EXISTENCE. THE REASON I’M NOT RELIGIOUS MAY BE THAT I STILL HAVE SOMETHING OTHER THAN LOVE IN MY HEART. IT IS SAID THAT LOVE’S COUNTERPART IS INDIFFERENCE, AND I AM DRIVING IT OUT OF MY HEAD; STILL I CAN FEEL SOMETHING ELSE WITHIN ME. IS THAT HATE? I DON’T KNOW, BUT IT DOESN’T SEEM TO MATTER TODAY—TODAY IN GIVING MY THANKS, I’M FILLED WITH THE BLISS OF LOVE; AND MAY THIS BLISS LAST FOREVER MORE.

SO HEREBY I GIVE MY THANKS

TO MY MOM & DAD: THANK YOU FOR GIVING LIFE TO ME, FOR THE NICE WARM ACADEMIC ENVIRONMENT YOU’VE OFFERED ME, FOR YOUR FINANCIAL AND SPIRITUAL SUPPORT THAT EMPOWER ME, AND FOR LEADING ME TO THE RIGHT COURSE BY SHOWING ME HOW TO MAKE MY OWN CHOICE; YOU’VE GIVEN ME GREAT COUNCIL & COMFORT, AND YOUR UNSELFISH LOVE; YOU HAVE ALWAYS BEEN THE ONES I WOULD LIKE TO TURN TO, FOR SO MANY YEARS; AND, IN SHORT, THANK YOU FOR LEADING ME TO WHAT I AM, AND ALSO WHAT I SHALL BE.

TO MAGGIE: THANK YOU FOR COMING INTO MY LIFE! YOU HAVE DEFINITELY TRANSFORMED ME. THANK YOU FOR GIVING ME THE LOVE & CARE I’VE LONG SOUGHT FOR, FOR SHOWING ME THE REASON TO BE OPTIMISTIC AND TO REMAIN SO AFTER SO MANY GLOOMY DAYS IN MY LIFE; ALSO I’D LIKE TO THANK YOU FOR KNOWING ME & ENCOURAGING ME WHENEVER POSSIBLE, AND FOR CONVINCING ME OF A HAPPY LIFE. I ALSO LOVE YOUR LOVELY SONGS WHICH HAVE DECORATED MY LIFE :)

TO RAINY: THANK YOU FOR SHARING WITH ME AND TRUSTING ME, AND FOR GIVING THE TRUEST OF WORDS. I HAVE TURNED TO YOU FOR MANY TIMES IN TIMES OF DIFFICULTY, AND NOW I GIVE MY GRATITUDE—BETTER LATE THAN NEVER, I WISH. YOU ARE A GREAT FRIEND!

TO HENRY: THANK YOU FOR SHOWING ME A TOTALLY DIFFERENT LIFE AND EXPERIENCE—WITHOUT IT MY LIFE WOULD BE INCOMPLETE; ALTHOUGH I MAY NOT IN THE END CHOOSE THE LIFESTYLE OF YOURS, YOU HAVE CERTAINLY ADDED AN INSEPARABLE PART TO MY OTHERWISE DULL AND MONOTONOUS LIFE.

TO RACHEL: THANK YOU A LOT… BUT MOSTLY IT’S THE LIFE AFTER YOU IN WHICH I FINALLY GRASP THE TRUE MEANING OF MY LIFE. THANK YOU FOR THE PREVIOUS TWO YEARS OF KNOWING AND EXPERIENCING.

TO HOLY: MAYBE YOU WON’T FIND IT A GREAT DEAL, BUT KEEP RUNNING HAS BECOME A MIRACLE OF MY LIFE, THEREFORE THANK YOU FOR MAKING THIS MIRACLE POSSIBLE, AND FOR GOING ON IN THIS MIRACLE TOGETHER WITH ME.

TO PHOENIX XIAOBAO: TOGETHER WE HAVE PROVED FRIENDSHIP. THANK YOU FOR SHARING WITH ME YOUR MANLY IDEAS, AND SHOWING ME THE OTHERWISE-WOULD-BE ME, A LIFE I HAVE NOT CHOSEN BUT WOULD WISH TO TRY. WE WILL ALWAYS BE FRIENDS!

TO JIM: THANK YOU FOR OPENING UP A VERY ELEGANT WORLD TO ME, FOR SHARING WITH ME AN INTEREST NOT SHARABLE WITH OTHERS. YOU ARE THE ONE GENTLEMAN I KNOW AND RESPECT.

TO ROY: YOU ARE THE FIRST RELIGIOUS MAN I’VE GOT TO KNOW. THANK YOU FOR SHARING WITH ME A LOT OF INVALUABLE THOUGHTS AND FOR BRINGING ME BACK TO CLASSICAL MUSIC. YOUR ENTHUSIASM INSPIRES ME VERY MUCH.

TO XAVIER: THANK YOU FOR DISCUSSING WITH ME YOUR DEEP THOUGHTS, EVEN WHEN WE WON’T AGREE, AND THANK YOU FOR GIVING ME AN EXAMPLE OF AMBITION IN ACTION.

TO DAYS: THANK YOU FOR THE INSPIRATIONS! NEVER SO MANY IN MY LIFE. THANK YOU FOR TAKING ME TO THIS BLOG WORLD, FOR YOUR RADIANCE OF ENERGY AND ACTIONS.

TO NICA: THANK YOU FOR PUTTING ME IN MARVEL OF LIFE. IT’S ALWAYS EXCITING EXPERIENCE WORKING WITH YOU.

TO MAVIS: JUST RECALL ALL THE PROJECTS WE ACCOMPLISHED TOGETHER! YOU ARE MY BEST PARTNER. THANK YOU FOR ALL THE DAYS WE WORKED AND LAUGHED TOGETHER!

TO JAMES: THANK YOU FOR SHOWING ME THAT MAN’S FRIENDSHIP CAN BE FUN, AND ALSO MEANINGFUL.

TO HOLLY: THANK YOU FOR YOUR EMOTIONAL SUPPORT WHICH YOU’VE NEVER FAILED TO DELIVER.

…

AS I WRITE ON I FEEL THAT THERE HAS TO BE A STOP. SO THANK YOU ALL—PEOPLE THAT I LOVE. AND AS I FINISH NOW I FIND THIS RATHER PERSONAL AND SPIRITUAL. YES, BY BEING PERSONAL, I CAN EXPRESS MY GENUINE EMOTIONS; BY RAISING THE SPIRIT IN A HEALTHY MANNER WE FIND OUR PATHS MORE SMOOTHLY, AND BY PURSUING SPIRITUAL FULFILLMENT WE ALSO ACHIEVE EARTHLY SUCCESS WITH CONTENT: SO MAY HAPPINESS BE WITH YOU ALL!